November 22, 2009 - Sunday

I'm not sure what terrible thing has happened to my state of mind that I feel a particular desire to write, but I suppose I'll take it for what it is - and try not to be terribly frustrated or put out by it, or anything that results from it... especially anything that results from it.  -.o  Don't need to go about trashing eight thousand words worth of a decent story just because I don't like it.  Goodness knows nothing would ever get done if I continued to produce based on what I think about the final product's quality.  -___-;;

I need to get out more.  Not just out of the house, but out into a public setting.  My brain really gets crankin' when I'm around the energy of other people.  Despite being an introvert, other people are, without a doubt, at the foundation of my creativity - interesting people, in any case.  And don't ask me what exactly it is that I consider "interesting," because it's not really a conscious decision.  Just something on the inside latches onto a person and builds a fire from the kindling they offer - the resulting smoke is woven into some character or tale, and it either continues on to become a detailed piece of my world, or it tapers away as a distant, potent memory.

Regardless, I need to put myself into a social setting where I get on with people.  Where our interests are similar.  Where we can ramble on and on about things more practical individuals would find a frivolous waste of time.

To be honest, I wish I could get into LARPing or going to Cons - places where I can be myself and not at the same time.  Sadly I think I'd feel foolish and defensive.  Stupid if you consider the fact that thousands of others join in regularly without giving it a second thought....  I suppose I'm just too self aware.  An annoyance.

That self awareness has hindered my writing quite a bit.  ::frown::  I think I told someone once that writing was my way to explore that which I'd never do in reality.  I go to places in fantasy of which I'm strongly opposed in actuality.  Probably why many of my characters can be very sensual and sexy, why some wallow in unchecked rage, or lose themselves to any number of street-based depravity.  These are all things I would never do.  Things I do not condone.  Things I, in fact, subtly condemn as my characters suffer...  and yet I feel ashamed to write the things I enjoy writing, and things others have enjoyed reading.

I wish I could get past that.  I wish I could write with the undaunted passion with which I used to write.  Where my flights of lascivious fancy were to my delight, or were meant to intentionally pluck the strings of another.  ::wry smile::  I wish I could just.. let loose without fear of being judged or otherwise condemned.

Then again, at least a few people reading this know where the real problem is.  I've had people tell me that my writing sucks, and it was little more than a glancing blow - likely because I've had many, many more tell me that they admire my talent and my way with words.  Friends.  Family.  Professionals with degrees and a real handle on truth.

It's the judgment of one that I fear (not One, just... one), and that has .. dampened .. my overall will to surge ahead.  It's the feeling of half heartedness in the voice I hear.  It's the painful lack of understanding and connection.

One day I'll either cease to care, or it will be resolved.  I will not hold my breath on the latter. 

Words hurt.  Calling the one thing I loved a waste of time?  ::headshake::

As a final note: I have 8 days to churn out 50k words.  Once upon a time I did about that over the course of a week - but at the time I had two of my Muses at my back cheering me on regularly (thanks Ian and Monta).  This time I'm sure they're both secretly egging me on (well, Monta at least, I haven't spoken with Ian about writing in a long while), but it's different to Know they're doing it versus actually talking through the story with them, and hearing the feedback. 

Guess I never realized that was also a part of my process.  Talking with friends...

Anyway, that's 6,250 words a day.  Never mind that Thanksgiving is thrown in there somewhere.

Mm.  We'll see.  If I could manage 20k at this point I think I'd be impressed...

No outline.  It's just... all... off the cuff.  Drama always is, no?  Who plans for that kinda' thing???

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